HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:  J- m8 Z- e6 Z; g* z
> >                     Effective January 2007* }: n" Q0 X& q1 K5 B. p
> >: S1 y- F7 X2 D' M5 \+ a
> > Dress Code
! K+ _9 _1 o% e/ Y5 G> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
6 }! Y+ J" ^9 d8 ]- u> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing* H( ~4 |7 l  a* @3 \; `
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume- M  s% Q. I( J* F2 a
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
- m2 ~1 b$ k* J0 S2 b> > need a pay raise.
6 ~* W3 L7 K) [5 a> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage: N0 }. P( T; w' t' \8 F
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
/ M6 O6 e$ e# x3 h" M> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.% F# n5 K" D& A$ ]0 t1 Y9 ^5 x
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you0 r4 Y4 Q; V: C5 }( U  M& T
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay% j5 R1 Q& [* w: ?! T+ B; L
> > raise.
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> > Sick Days
/ G6 V0 K$ W$ X) H) F& K- `> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as5 L0 Q* G6 v4 B/ i1 ~) @
> > proof of sickness.
1 ~- ^6 t0 W4 f: R; H+ q) @> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
% }* o1 L* x5 _; `3 P4 J> > to come to work.8 ?/ k: D* D+ V- h# V
> >0 z1 L% B+ }5 D' f3 H
> > Holiday Days9 t/ u% X$ f' ?* j) p, Y
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a/ I' ~- Z7 l  J- W; }. e
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave2 L  @5 ^2 t7 R/ [- Z3 k# ?4 q
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
: p3 N5 D" h% w& Q> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-# e8 {1 W  [" p; H9 J- L
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
8 e- Q# |8 e& D0 Y> > employees attend to the arrangements.0 j2 {9 v! s: `% G6 h
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is" s+ H4 @7 ]9 E) t7 @2 ]" q
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
( X% y  b) I( z: _' _> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work5 k4 W! M- K' k4 y; G
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
2 M$ t- P1 c0 \/ ~. N$ \4 M> > hour early.0 {5 a9 u" `8 C: y& p# U1 z5 O
> >
+ K! N" ?' j/ {0 o> > Toilet Use
% S/ G3 H/ J0 R  Q> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
; ~3 `" o- m3 A  x" V* \> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
* V8 s  E. x! g* E% n0 E' ^> > in the cubicles.$ i! G, Z1 i8 A( l# `% C
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
; k4 M8 a  P) v. }1 l8 |6 ?> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
6 _, D. q$ A; T4 J$ a> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.8 T. L% {8 g" |2 K0 U2 {" V% [- B
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be9 B# P$ F& v  p
> > posted on the company notice board under the
& f. b4 L) {3 D2 G  J& Z> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
2 i0 B, e* q0 G: V3 U6 C> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
; i" C- ~! X2 S5 c" e  G; Y2 \. c> > sanctioned under the company's mental health# ], j2 V% C: C. \# b$ D
> > policy.
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> > Lunch Break+ N: V% U7 }/ r/ |( r7 b# b
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they" U8 g& c+ O0 M7 v+ t( j0 l7 b7 Y
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.: z7 E/ W1 z% a- j
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
) N6 z- k% W  H" i- z/ |2 `> > maintain their average figure.
) r4 x; l+ q+ B! N: L7 Y> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time  b! B, |# f' s8 Z: D
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast." l5 t# Q. V7 M! n. o, n
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
& l& ^5 a5 b6 r1 d> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
! ?+ v) H" a9 p> > employment experience.
9 i5 O5 {  `, D" @2 A7 H> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,  g4 q8 E* A: b/ Q
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,2 a% ?$ i; h# V; b
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be' C+ ]& r, S! b+ \  ~
> > directed elsewhere.