HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
4 k; g6 S* v4 B! E' M> >                     Effective January 20073 m4 G6 X/ _/ [( z
> >  R- u/ a# T9 Q" o. e* k8 y
> > Dress Code( h  o( W9 g3 U5 r2 q3 e* u7 E" w
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed4 \0 T" O1 B( u% v
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing+ @8 Z* c+ a1 W8 E; s/ ?' T
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
  S3 ?. A4 E3 ]7 C> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
9 T% ^4 C3 F8 A6 V1 S$ ^> > need a pay raise.
- A5 Z& D1 ?  N& }" y; Q$ ]5 e> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage: x: @. _* s0 ~( f8 ]. Q
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer; L- q$ K! p8 b! p% e" _7 i' V
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
& p+ n8 P9 ~( u" Q) g5 e0 _& q% D# A> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
7 k1 n+ H9 ]. S> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay8 F/ s5 x0 x" v: B
> > raise.
+ N" j! E" f8 Q( F# D' y> >
7 R* U2 {& S( d( d$ p> > Sick Days
0 G8 n# O' j# q! u5 g! j2 I> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as% i6 b$ c. D. B3 l4 o
> > proof of sickness.
% b+ ^: f  A- O! ^9 o& ?> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
- `2 C; _" v# {' R# X' m6 f) \- b> > to come to work.- W' l6 v9 X0 ^" F" d
> >* t2 T* ^$ o7 P' B
> > Holiday Days
) N; U7 t) s6 y, B* B) Z) i- V9 y> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
# O+ R9 s" x) Y7 o( z> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday." A9 f/ ?! N# m  v/ H& `% p) }
> >
2 F% y- Y. z& u> > Compassionate Leave
  [' R5 e& y& x: k+ W& f9 y> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing) g% t1 v, a; u, e$ Z( q7 u: E
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
0 ]; Q/ p% ]+ K* K% h8 q> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-2 g1 \, }& v. ~' I6 g8 s
> > employees attend to the arrangements.3 D! r( C; T/ {7 ?
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
" T/ N  D0 G: T> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
8 b; V7 n1 ]: }> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work4 y6 M0 w3 m; o  m* i9 {
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
8 W0 w) K$ o+ c# s$ m, j> > hour early.
/ V5 y  ~; j4 m3 P( o$ h# n> >
) q: f) F" [# u. W6 }> > Toilet Use
! d4 p' k1 K$ r& K& f3 u> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
4 q( M+ x* S) t: d$ t+ P> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
6 A# g. b% f4 X+ W4 b' J> > in the cubicles.  x1 {6 L" Z* J$ l) ^/ h
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will* _8 ^4 V- u, x* u
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle. \  V# O) m- m& Z. L8 k. P* B6 `
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
; t( n& Y5 u: u- D* U- Y& \9 @2 R> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
: Q  W6 U  k4 z1 o5 E> > posted on the company notice board under the0 C: R& U' `6 `% C
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.# ]! Y, [6 ]/ A
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be, _4 S1 I' v' o7 r
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health# ^! J: u# U3 o3 O
> > policy.
0 k! n4 [) M' S: g> >  |, d+ t, _1 r. \9 H4 R! l
> > Lunch Break# r- J; h. O( I3 F3 I
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
  Y% I# `" H+ b8 W: C6 X' K: L> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
  x+ w% }. j8 K> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
1 K# F) f5 j# x7 e0 `> > maintain their average figure.' M( k- ^3 w' R% c) t
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
* ^/ e$ @4 p% O) g  V" y4 m4 ]> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
4 h# f8 E7 X) R" d% b7 E9 C> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
% U4 S/ v4 a% K> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
+ a( t# u' H& G; l, K> > employment experience.* W; d$ [$ P0 H  O% u
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
' w8 \/ J; M2 A% o+ M> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
" l9 j5 }0 h- K4 t$ W2 q> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
! [6 e5 `) l5 {- p: R7 H) V0 d9 V> > directed elsewhere.