HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
& u0 t& N/ c  v> >                     Effective January 2007* \9 G( O5 e/ j: Q& C; V
> >
3 @( Z" n) P3 g% @# r, o3 K" y> > Dress Code
7 h2 X) U! b! k) ^" ?: y> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed5 l8 k! ~; ~, `1 N! o7 U! w2 x
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
: D% z/ q: J% d, ]> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume5 Y! L8 o  U1 M/ \* S
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
; S* \3 \0 G; t2 ?0 [) y0 ~8 ]6 z> > need a pay raise.
5 O1 ?1 q" ~  c) S0 q  m9 W> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
; U9 p) T& c! \" F8 C, ]. N9 _> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
9 T; x+ J1 r2 s6 P> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.: w6 W/ {7 V, V5 t. H2 b
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you* z- H. L# q6 R1 A! x
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
% s3 D/ Z  V3 c( Q. {> > raise.
! c+ y& Q1 b) B7 n7 m5 ^> >, a% q" x: @0 w) S, b5 y/ A6 [" [
> > Sick Days0 q: c$ n8 ]) l( @' x9 r
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as7 }3 y- T# o) I- m1 _, x$ c
> > proof of sickness.3 |) t/ B3 {7 s/ [9 q: }9 Q
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able  \" S  j5 l+ s- W( |8 g
> > to come to work.5 o' R0 X) s) `7 r+ I
> >& O: h& P; s. [- x7 W3 o3 o
> > Holiday Days$ d, d3 j2 ~7 L3 c( ~
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
; ]  p0 |- b6 r# ]" |6 r> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
- Z6 ^; o+ E: f  B> >
( B# p7 H  o( M8 `> > Compassionate Leave5 z1 n/ o$ ]# N. T; o0 l  F" x1 m
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
$ j" {4 p' ]( U+ C9 E& r' F6 z> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-0 x* ~7 b9 b" Y; X
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
$ `& G8 U3 b" l/ d5 n> > employees attend to the arrangements.
' g, Y  q0 }% U: I> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
4 W8 r% n( {1 `1 p; w* @> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
3 e- C7 f" o, j  E> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work' S: h% f; ~: o7 ^6 z1 `+ U0 t
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one5 P, n4 f* p& ~1 d; C3 s
> > hour early.
9 |$ Z! B! [8 Q> ># a. P& O2 O: A1 y
> > Toilet Use
6 K- w' W6 N/ k/ c> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
$ a6 u: f! k. _* \, V# O( A> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
3 y4 t8 i. b' F) s# ~# N3 T: E> > in the cubicles.) t4 M" u" B! l) ~% L' M9 c9 _
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
2 U  e4 v" N' v/ m> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
3 ~5 Y5 Z  }% w; U, ]> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
1 P1 F) @8 c, j" Y( H> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be) i) Z7 z6 d( D9 N- V
> > posted on the company notice board under the
& y9 b5 v% x$ {$ X> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
/ \5 C8 b7 o7 T> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
& r/ f+ i+ d- w2 ]> > sanctioned under the company's mental health( o7 `8 _9 b+ X
> > policy., ]4 Q: d) @9 p
> >) u8 d7 p: E0 w: g/ A
> > Lunch Break
" n9 t  A: t# C( e> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they1 J6 f5 Y( K- z/ f: Z" E: c
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.9 O$ v: X8 ?& \9 e2 K
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
' P7 H$ e+ T% e( E3 E& p6 \1 M+ u> > maintain their average figure.& r% {+ K* \( P) I* X" l
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
3 y! t/ k7 ]4 N8 q% J8 M8 ~> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
9 X+ H1 ]) s, J& Y6 ~+ N7 \> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
% ^' T8 l# b+ j6 s0 p8 `7 b% Z> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
: \! [# f& a# q" x. e> > employment experience.
. k1 {+ d% v( H- M; [! z> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
- X0 e  Y- D9 v, L' Y& T- u) v4 X> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,. ^+ Q0 L2 H' `; S, L
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
+ D4 S7 M6 t0 D8 d> > directed elsewhere.