HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
# _. C/ v/ ~: e1 S& d5 X. _> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code0 P. r9 _' z4 [/ y' r$ T+ W
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
6 U- ]' T3 _7 Q- w- r/ X> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing7 L/ A* u* B, Q3 P
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume$ e5 c' l3 N& u, J8 Q/ }
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not# _: c9 I( L& L8 ?
> > need a pay raise.! X! L$ m8 a1 t' ^
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
8 F. E) t" L& V0 G+ W> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
3 O0 X3 E3 ^/ R+ U5 j> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
1 V1 ^/ }$ T; g3 N( _> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
3 l) e3 \( e/ Z) T1 S0 H+ [> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
! ^1 d+ i0 p% a( E> > raise.
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' o* ]# F- X* O; C* _, W, @> > Sick Days
1 M$ ^6 Q1 x7 ~> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
% R3 S9 k- f& u' |> > proof of sickness.
( K$ ~- P( `/ I# r3 `8 v. _  g> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able2 ]: K. |( k# g; g! u0 B2 }
> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days" g- K6 m& G% v7 q) M
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a  j" N; H8 y# d' G6 G! d  V! Z8 P
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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6 d+ b7 T  z6 r& _: e3 B> > Compassionate Leave7 Y. K1 k5 L) i+ Z, V. u
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing6 m1 I3 o8 X3 q" ]6 j- _3 N" M+ |" E
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
- \' D* F$ \6 `> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
+ \+ C' ~% V* y" `" [( n> > employees attend to the arrangements.2 f; F( V4 L3 ~1 G& o' L
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
6 R8 B4 E2 B; U, D5 I( k3 V> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the0 r& m  I7 ~4 o6 ]5 I
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work2 }2 y$ z  K$ a2 l
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one: q. f, V4 ^. t# {* K5 N! a% X
> > hour early.- |' S; Z, F: I* T+ C
> >: @$ Q1 f5 `) s0 u# \/ p: [! B
> > Toilet Use
% S* X4 ]+ q3 v/ h1 G* ]- f3 M$ u> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
* `8 T8 V6 t) }7 r% g7 G7 ]3 F) o> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
5 i) H1 F9 v. `> > in the cubicles.
  ^. L: V" V1 t! [9 D) ^& ?> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
2 @# B4 h4 I. q. P* S; W, v9 {> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle/ \: M: j% Z% b( ]  h* [; \. r1 [( |% A
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.) R0 T! D1 x% F7 M4 `% c+ r
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be3 j: |/ Z0 Y8 W0 y6 D/ U' d8 w" C2 f
> > posted on the company notice board under the; _* e' Z9 z/ b9 f% V- i
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.) J6 B% i+ X0 _
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
  V/ M( O' P6 {5 G  m> > sanctioned under the company's mental health8 k6 ~4 l, s+ C7 t/ S- F6 v3 l" Z" H
> > policy.
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> > Lunch Break9 Z- X- q9 v4 c: Z9 `4 T/ P# a. h
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
1 A; f3 a6 C# ^> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
( M. E) v- N: H2 [  M> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to/ J/ g; b2 q/ C8 m6 Z3 U  x  i
> > maintain their average figure.( f6 b* n) l2 ^7 p4 z
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time8 s6 U/ T5 {  T, q3 }
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.; y7 U, f$ _$ C9 }* r
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are& L$ J! g3 C# o! ^3 N' g
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive9 u, F( E2 j1 A2 k3 W5 y
> > employment experience.
' f9 `9 K4 ]% c> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
; u+ b& U  p/ D> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,/ o- B$ \) I) r9 k2 d+ J6 m
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be: q8 Z* G3 x5 e# h/ p- X
> > directed elsewhere.