HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:+ k' P7 U" o4 J2 y. `# W( I
> >                     Effective January 2007
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( u/ T# g8 N/ Q+ u; J3 e( H> > Dress Code
# b  R4 Y" q! Q% }8 H> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
+ w9 w- [: ^% X  z> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
3 ]0 {, h7 Z0 `; ^$ S" g2 L> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
1 P) {, ?+ s9 {; E. G) `> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
9 ~; K+ \1 h2 }  o+ F> > need a pay raise.& b7 `1 y0 q" a3 S; \# k( F, s
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
# t% H/ h' V9 I8 q  z+ x> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
4 x# |( K  y% R( E% m+ o7 Y8 K> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
- Q7 p8 C- M9 Z- `% j> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
- F. Q4 O) N) o/ E# C; y6 q> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
0 I5 w0 g! e0 c; T> > raise.( }3 ]  A3 v6 w5 t7 x
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> > Sick Days  n! X. y9 j9 H0 X$ A& Z
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as/ R+ I+ [' x! K. m; M) \9 H
> > proof of sickness.
& j$ x' T4 s9 F> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
3 }1 }, A1 }5 `: ?* ~& ?4 E8 }> > to come to work.3 X; ~8 i. s& y5 N2 n; u$ o) y
> >! S3 Q0 w2 V) `8 F9 U9 }
> > Holiday Days$ M( O& ~& L2 G+ S4 ^4 P
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a+ u  @) t; ]6 A
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.+ a' m  `3 `' q' Y9 x3 W* t8 x: Z
> >
2 W9 A+ \8 w- q  P6 N: d> > Compassionate Leave
, f$ Z$ x% r+ H- l5 Q( A> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
  {+ L) g3 n- b: X2 n" ~* I/ t> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
: m% |3 H' L4 h> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
. p3 g8 H7 A9 E- W  x; F1 @> > employees attend to the arrangements.
5 A1 G; I" v* l1 s6 A9 ]> > In rare cases where employee involvement is# ^* j3 z3 i7 a9 u/ x
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
/ i2 o1 m9 o" }' ~" c> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work2 k6 N% {& P* C1 R
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one, z. Q" ]* R9 y: o
> > hour early.
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> > Toilet Use
4 K7 X1 i1 ]; G4 K/ s$ L! r> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
, u7 v' ~" u% _* d& _0 u8 i4 ?> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit! f/ J  x7 s) T+ [; b. b6 z
> > in the cubicles.
& S8 U' q, Q+ {2 }/ g( U5 J> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will( J$ R! i  r' v7 o! t1 {7 S) Y
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle$ n) X+ y( t( z  E
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
/ C+ ?) V2 v/ @# ?) Q+ X> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
+ k3 T0 q# O% u+ |* x7 U> > posted on the company notice board under the
" z5 n  i: b# c% l$ l/ b) d> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
6 j% F% V: I( d- ]> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be' l( I. C! t4 T* C3 {! M
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
3 H& @- e/ ]& O& p> > policy.
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. z8 B/ {; E1 ?+ O5 z> > Lunch Break
  u9 c# d, h. D) l1 u2 V> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they' e8 \* z+ d% A8 P- \- r2 f
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
  g2 U# }) n$ J# C" e( G% W! s/ g> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
+ X% X6 N0 I" J6 a/ \> > maintain their average figure., y/ K1 d! g- }. A8 A. c5 b
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
  u. ~* f5 }# ?& T> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.% r3 ~& `2 A3 V! n8 |
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
1 I2 Q# @& E8 j3 N( Q> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive) ~7 P) X* q9 `" Q) s; B0 w
> > employment experience.
5 Y8 V* V& a( s$ B7 {> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
1 v6 p0 W& ~' N' u% h/ |> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,0 E' |1 ]. P7 v" F! G5 P8 V$ C
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
% C! f4 R; K+ ~% ?> > directed elsewhere.