HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:2 E0 v, m9 Y! E+ X" M, l8 k
> >                     Effective January 20073 ?( p/ }( a( U! F0 D0 {. d. O
> >
  k& a0 m; D" c. ?. i' O, \# R2 E> > Dress Code" E5 X' b- n3 ?; K
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed/ W. ^2 M% @0 Z) h
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
, j6 X; U% T- u2 V1 ?. m  \> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume+ ^; j8 z9 k. f# E. Y
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not* U+ [+ L& A( M2 B* D
> > need a pay raise.
" R$ q/ O& |4 `. r+ G> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage6 c# O6 ^# `( I5 @8 r+ o; z3 W/ i
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
  A+ W6 \8 @- {6 T. E4 k. n6 B  N> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.$ a" {$ S/ Y- S, ?2 S8 E
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
* W" D  }3 s! l  [5 |8 ]3 _> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
8 a5 k* p, ?; y0 g> > raise.1 l8 [0 I  g8 i' _
> >
1 F( }( [7 T; \- `8 Y7 u> > Sick Days& ?2 t; z2 t7 O& C2 p; t- X
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as1 {% ^) [) z8 W5 R; U, T4 J
> > proof of sickness.7 J6 d4 M- F; w% K- c
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able$ J# z. v1 X" F* _- V, ?% _) n
> > to come to work.
; T9 N: T6 {" E> >
4 ~& n5 F( E7 @> > Holiday Days
" X0 n. ~; ^0 t6 ^4 D% v> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a, b- ]6 ~5 h& o
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
1 f0 K3 I# |6 T3 Q8 G( r0 a: K% w> >
* B' L4 _3 ^$ L! W. x2 V. x> > Compassionate Leave& j' J7 q  g, T/ b- |5 }! F7 n
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing% ]& J" E9 P) w: B5 i( P; q7 @5 Q7 r
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
; ]$ L. H0 v: a$ Z! d5 ^1 s> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
  ?7 v+ N+ B2 I* F% \$ _2 |> > employees attend to the arrangements.
3 R( k" p& V  q8 m> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
3 A9 U: V$ A- J2 \# }: F4 e6 \> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the- u9 E7 N+ ?0 W, f) `% j, t
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
! @7 R- k% F5 ~4 y0 [> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
4 f2 G. L- x* Q> > hour early.
4 {6 ]& e2 [! h, R8 a% P> >
! `$ F2 x$ m, Z! R6 D! ~2 W> > Toilet Use
1 A& ~" a. W: X8 M  h> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the; x" O/ Y5 d$ _% b) c- }9 i+ M" q
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit. @/ m( Q+ j$ j, E3 e0 e7 C
> > in the cubicles.+ w) e4 A! t; Z0 p7 I
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
# f/ K; T7 {% t$ Q9 J+ J> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle; }& E4 I% c2 T4 A3 b
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.4 D6 a4 x" P, Y; ]6 e( O
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
* s0 b; [- i8 ^, |' i0 T> > posted on the company notice board under the
5 o3 v+ T: `( u, m% D> > "Chronic Offenders" category.7 r4 K2 [. H+ l3 y" I
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
/ ^, B* M4 ^# o6 U; i. X> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
, J! b0 X& e; \- D4 A3 Q> > policy.. R! O2 ^0 x2 \7 L. `
> >
+ A9 E9 h$ d0 U; A> > Lunch Break
6 d2 S$ n/ Z1 u' T> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
. Z" y' o; Q" z; h3 ?; A3 s> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.- Y% G; K8 ~% m! h( z
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to& E% \( `# q* C
> > maintain their average figure.4 K; v2 |* R2 [! v5 r+ {  Q
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
! v' @6 P0 I+ T: v6 O+ y1 r/ N> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.% Y+ Z. T& `& A  E
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are; [$ _. ?) U! Y
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive/ i6 u2 Z7 \. ]: N- D, |
> > employment experience.! V4 r! S" v% E' q6 B
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
6 P) M3 y- Q1 U; }0 u0 r( c/ P> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
# {% ^$ o8 r4 k5 v1 A9 ?; I! o> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be# x$ N- W+ i$ q5 G
> > directed elsewhere.