HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
& w3 t7 I+ n$ w& ~. A- N- ?> >                     Effective January 2007& L( L2 Q1 e8 d+ `, t8 l
> >
$ y8 ]2 D* P  M: x' G- ]1 b" X> > Dress Code. t- P' Z9 b" l. ?& [6 R, x. q' `
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed7 R3 W  G$ u' z
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing( P% I# B- p' n- g2 |
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume/ e: O% a" q  o4 \/ c
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not3 N. j) w5 J' n# O" X. A1 T: C
> > need a pay raise.0 H3 i0 v# r( i8 E
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
; V  H1 F# N8 R# O> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
) H" j5 u4 w4 I3 r> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.( D! u. o0 ?0 R' C# s. R
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you/ l2 L: T' g; Q+ B& T1 O
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay' h8 Z5 H9 O3 `0 _
> > raise.$ Z) m) `( i* a& Z
> >, i- k3 H$ H) G* X
> > Sick Days
! T; T. v  O8 [; p& c) Z. R+ I> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as  w5 R2 p8 k, ~8 z* J1 T! f
> > proof of sickness.0 H! ]; ?$ D" b" a. `
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
. _4 B9 O5 o9 ]' K8 w+ T> > to come to work.9 _6 \1 Q: y6 y6 p, M6 Q3 Q' n
> >) ]! p# [/ r* }: Y0 a0 U8 p
> > Holiday Days" |3 R9 P" w! T( ~2 m: P* f
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
% G7 p+ g5 r' O# |> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave$ g$ z: D) G7 a0 |7 R. K5 U
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing% j  d3 }9 {) R
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
$ ?& c8 a- ?  w& }" b0 k> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
  F+ ^: W$ H7 X, F- [* D/ h> > employees attend to the arrangements.5 ~% N0 _: ^# ?  h& f
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is9 _: @8 O! g' M6 I& U. F! L* d
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
0 L6 y$ Y6 |7 a: `1 J6 Q> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
% F# w0 [' z; y7 ^2 H> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one+ T2 w# _  |5 \6 n' U7 I' O, R
> > hour early.
; G4 u! `* b" p- {3 W) c> >0 @& h+ Z, I& B* \6 C6 ~
> > Toilet Use0 L( Q6 p/ k' z) z9 `! s8 V) e
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
4 s" N! c' d2 W$ U/ |" [+ D> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
3 l5 _3 Y, m# n0 D  B+ k> > in the cubicles.
# ]  P: E- v! _( n1 C4 C& b> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will/ y6 ~2 ~9 m. J5 T- P* B
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
( y! Y; z. l, z! N> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.: q0 d3 d! p3 G
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
& K$ {" O! i, f6 ]/ z$ _9 s& f> > posted on the company notice board under the
- Y# F  ?3 d7 h+ W> > "Chronic Offenders" category.+ K3 J# ~* x& g
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be0 j- y* }5 o% d7 a! [# Q" A4 N
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health/ I$ M+ a' B7 k. V  R+ c
> > policy.
, {/ w# ]! j" u( }. f& @$ f/ g> >
" q7 m) T, Y! v" @$ p> > Lunch Break
# |% @8 @) s1 q8 s> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they+ E, s4 ]! T; }" @( b0 n0 F- T
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.8 j0 c4 q+ Y2 X( V; |1 j( z
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to: a/ t. C. K# O
> > maintain their average figure.
* V& s8 u- i4 V) w5 p! c. @> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time! }& L2 L" c% T2 I6 d1 a* S
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
& s# k, X* y$ c8 L> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
  ^5 O. t6 Z2 _7 \7 @4 i> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
9 ~- Q. B/ z0 z> > employment experience.
: W0 d3 q  ~, X! ?9 \* ]/ ]> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
" ]  s' @# A- [' a0 S" k> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,- @; }/ u2 Y# A9 L. o, Q
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be( P$ N. S5 b8 D3 X
> > directed elsewhere.