HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
& T* p9 L5 }* e. c+ t9 r4 v$ E> >                     Effective January 20075 v% ]% D4 v; H* f1 p
> >
. L+ O0 ^6 A, Z4 ?3 h1 J7 B/ C> > Dress Code
" k# ]( d7 P( a! `2 K> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
+ j% t1 J. H! u$ @4 S> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing$ I) h# Z& Q# M& d, ^: z
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume( B6 ?( ]: D5 o& u* u4 ?
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not7 |$ ~4 ], e* X  z- E
> > need a pay raise.- V6 q2 z4 k) l: F
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
8 T* D7 g* H: |> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer" c) B  L/ r+ K; C+ u
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise., s7 t0 G' {& H- H( I% x+ q
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
6 `3 ~/ Y9 c- }8 ^6 t9 s8 g, \> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay' Y5 m2 E$ \/ R, b' `9 j, D1 v. E
> > raise.
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> > Sick Days
6 ~0 m* n) }; W> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as  V. ?/ B( I- {: X1 p! z% h
> > proof of sickness.
( U' c/ P) ?- \! \> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able% F: B7 q; \1 l# T) e
> > to come to work.# s! U2 Z4 U: `  H
> >9 w" y/ q" H" C, V1 k
> > Holiday Days% t' v1 q. O3 c( {, n  R' c
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a9 v% {7 Q2 ~7 f* Z3 s* ]& M# Q
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.- s# J2 x7 R- O8 p1 Z5 ~1 ?
> >2 P; ]9 ?- _9 N  U9 `6 I
> > Compassionate Leave6 D! j+ }0 U5 V- [1 ~( I: E
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
8 `) V; A1 d: O7 u' C> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-* D1 }4 g6 Z8 V7 ?
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-- ]) R- O- T/ d* p: H3 o
> > employees attend to the arrangements.3 b; ^" L% |) d6 i: m5 d
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is8 m" _0 y* X" I+ X1 P! Y, e0 D
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
* n* T; `4 O* V6 X> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work/ ]& k8 m" _8 T# J) n( U
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
& s( P6 z) {8 M: P- p4 {- l> > hour early.8 f, H( `0 o5 O; L2 |. c
> >
6 U4 b8 ?: K' l> > Toilet Use
2 j; ^$ L' {' y. V2 |2 a> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the# P4 ^8 Q4 F1 W6 E9 y& B
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit9 N: ]' V; b/ {5 G* S. A( `* B) j$ t9 ~4 E% ?
> > in the cubicles.: O9 y6 N; H4 Z6 A
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will" M0 c) @, U1 I4 F( B1 B  |
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle/ D2 p4 |- C9 Q0 n/ |
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
5 ^% P8 `" u$ \4 u, \7 d9 q> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
$ X  E  v! z! H3 A% E> > posted on the company notice board under the
) @$ J, b5 N3 b> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
+ L. P' R. L4 x0 L- A) s> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
  n% A5 ?. ~2 J- J0 ?> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
$ Q5 V) j* ?3 K* k1 z# Q$ b> > policy.
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> > Lunch Break7 G8 z% ]0 C: V( O7 r  r4 M
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they' I; ^% V$ P' R4 h
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.5 o2 b4 k9 _7 t9 u  b5 ^
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
% v; q' o) w0 c  E6 ~, Q! \0 ~* q> > maintain their average figure.1 ~# Z1 F) z, i  L6 W9 R# x( v& c
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time$ F+ m: f, n3 v5 q  P  ?' c
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.! j* [$ y- ]& z2 o
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are$ ], `1 B6 G4 ^' V
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive5 P, y9 E, G' y) z+ H0 x
> > employment experience.  @9 a8 D. o( s+ l8 |! N, R3 s
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints," @: j* q$ c2 \6 ^
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
/ r# s9 m: ]; o0 R7 v; s> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
6 r+ S) _4 }# X2 s! w> > directed elsewhere.