HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
& v5 K1 s' q' p* K! e> >                     Effective January 2007: m+ n: s; t1 C$ a2 S
> >
7 u8 B, j4 `2 O8 Y/ I. {5 O% D/ h> > Dress Code
( ~* {5 H/ z' J3 G> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
, V  R- C' J: l6 S# w4 v) T5 t> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
1 `  C5 Y1 a8 {. N) K: j4 d> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume2 u5 @; D' \/ y) ^# v# d( C" B
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not) L2 N" v8 Y4 S% E& A. F0 B
> > need a pay raise.  ~' H( K- V. F+ k# b# {) k, X
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
5 r% ]1 O) X9 v" c6 C> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
8 V; q0 l' w7 v+ p) m3 |* V3 ]> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
" u* V( ?7 `# K' m% x  s2 O) {/ u> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
7 N: k* O. y% v$ s" e5 A  l> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay0 O' R5 ~& [! G7 J/ e! b- J" @
> > raise.
: v1 n' |% D2 `! T2 A/ @> >
0 q. l+ }; m  f> > Sick Days5 W) I4 k9 I3 p8 C1 N8 |
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as  l- j# d& v7 }" B
> > proof of sickness.
9 }+ n1 F$ u9 j+ B# ?- U> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
$ s; T, @; A" p# D> > to come to work.
: Z& _4 o3 F9 g6 J> >
& U; s. c: r5 x& L> > Holiday Days
4 D% c  s. \' F4 o8 H# Q, z> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
/ `0 D, H  k1 a" _0 u0 V> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
2 A1 Z3 |1 F0 ]; Z* R& [# K$ }- A> >8 @$ X: N: o4 x/ y% N  W
> > Compassionate Leave
+ s0 U8 P% r6 _3 P1 k  K> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
# i' L1 Q/ s# t+ E3 M> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
' ]3 I0 }; [2 \> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
! C2 Z. K9 X" O3 h! g; A; n> > employees attend to the arrangements." M0 x6 I6 Z. O; ^: U) _! K
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
" p' E: s6 e/ C3 v# [> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the7 ?1 C: q; I& I, W3 G
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
7 G: X" D& l4 Z+ W0 |7 w9 c& d; a> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
1 \: `6 ?5 }) _4 t2 l' v& X% q> > hour early.$ P$ E( ?- W% O8 r5 d' b
> >
# X3 u6 X8 s9 q> > Toilet Use
$ |. g" c/ i9 }- N7 I+ T6 k1 v> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
8 w( y' ]. S5 }9 a+ t' e> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit# r: a/ z/ h& Q+ m! K, `
> > in the cubicles./ u% \/ P8 ^* @
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
) O8 Y2 y- I3 N7 H0 c> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
' v  H5 F2 C4 O$ y2 E. L> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.7 \: U" H$ D6 b/ E
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be, k) m6 d) r* n
> > posted on the company notice board under the
8 E! W9 q6 P+ n9 r) y1 h& H0 S2 _" X> > "Chronic Offenders" category.; k: Q$ [) U# d8 M" t/ k8 Z
> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
6 @0 c& j5 y  v6 t' {2 E> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
" v0 R5 ?' g- ^/ b9 G% a% R> > policy.
" ~8 M1 ?/ {  [, s4 X& p> >" X* \; H* `; W7 H; V- i
> > Lunch Break
. ^: |+ I) J. [# ~: e  h( H0 r( z) ]> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
1 \, [$ `' w- F> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.( W( R: L9 ]2 \5 P5 l, }
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
6 |/ b' h3 U3 }; O* V  w$ o% f9 e$ G> > maintain their average figure.2 o. o- p6 @" e- Z) x
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time, p$ ]  I: f- c! u
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
1 O* K& Q8 ^9 {$ c* e! Y' X> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are0 E5 Y+ ^% n0 i8 n1 I8 |
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive; i' m4 l5 h$ m) y
> > employment experience.$ `" `9 M7 q6 i
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
6 k1 ]( m: o, `8 Q6 H> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
8 ~& e# d0 i' o0 T! w4 i% @> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
5 `* h, I% m4 v3 r- H' Q- T: q> > directed elsewhere.