HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
* n# t8 Q: q+ B; z4 t2 E- [% G3 Y> >                     Effective January 2007( a* A& A& Q8 g- z0 n- I
> >; O3 N, o! E% H: @4 S2 n0 Q  E( _
> > Dress Code0 H% p( }- Y. b6 Q: }
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
; \! ]! t$ x1 P& w( f! V+ {5 S> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing& B5 {3 U, u5 H- E9 z1 _
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
! b1 h0 P" F! g> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
2 ~; O- r' `' v. P& I+ }> > need a pay raise.
5 y* b- d- G& }% c2 a* ?6 F: K9 ?> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
2 _. g: B5 C! |8 ~> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer) o0 |/ t4 V3 @3 j" R
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
" J+ q) t0 e$ H8 b! w; p> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
' W/ F' G! r2 f+ C> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
( o2 S3 I( O9 z' ^! Q, f3 D7 x9 O> > raise.
  t4 _3 D, x! ]) j  ~3 ~0 H> ># f+ n. @' a8 g7 ]; E
> > Sick Days
( z  a  E5 O2 c: r4 K+ {' l> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as& X; G* `) G: f8 Z4 X
> > proof of sickness.# b7 ?6 r: Q# A- ^! _
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able3 S1 J  x' W8 b2 ]: S
> > to come to work.
" j. J0 I( P" v# s/ Q2 |; s# m> >
4 W! S$ E7 ^- z6 {/ l% n2 i> > Holiday Days' f: [/ |! o( t0 {' g
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
' Z5 d" M, ^# T1 `" a0 |) g> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.# e: [6 m+ R0 n0 a# u! Y$ v$ Q
> >% @+ X: G6 ~3 R" B1 a) D
> > Compassionate Leave
% q% P/ W  h1 M  ]3 c' P9 H7 w> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing4 W! a3 ^! ~1 {1 E7 A% h
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
, r' c; g6 t# q- h8 {> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-  O) E- p! \3 ]: {
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
+ [: y/ N+ \1 L8 P/ o4 @( y> > In rare cases where employee involvement is& \6 ]; c) `  u8 i$ d
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the  k4 K' j. {7 h" k" c
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
2 l- ^  w  T+ F> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
$ I4 M3 E8 i/ [" B3 m8 r4 p" r> > hour early.
- h3 B4 z9 X! k> >
9 J& v- j% d8 _3 T6 C4 {6 u> > Toilet Use* E! u9 p- k9 D8 g3 q
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the0 h' ]9 g7 v" f. ^6 v
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
1 @& Z) v! _+ I$ T> > in the cubicles.
1 G! Y5 U6 T% ~2 t> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
3 ^1 Z! [8 Y9 A+ H3 |> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle2 U! H6 j( W. ~5 W
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
& E: T7 y, l8 ^: m/ |( R. Q> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
* [$ {& O4 p5 E4 H; G$ @> > posted on the company notice board under the3 y6 [  @2 y! @
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
! H/ C5 M7 P3 c( e0 ^* K, N! H' F> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
" e7 E0 s; s" w9 Y& y> > sanctioned under the company's mental health1 ]& z- C6 C8 |& G9 q
> > policy.
5 G% S/ V6 G: H1 b> >4 Z( `$ n: s3 J6 D/ W( g5 E
> > Lunch Break, ~; m5 \5 N" L' o# d
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they( p! h! f1 ^& o$ W
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
+ R( ?% k$ |9 H# @1 e4 R" a' W> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
# `; n7 }# W8 @" S8 M# d* H> > maintain their average figure." N7 A( D6 g. d# F: J* ~! q
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
9 c3 z/ d! W/ w3 d  x  {> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.) `9 b! y7 O) t7 f( H# `7 q
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are* Q; \5 r- j" s3 y: w4 N: V% M) X
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
( i, L, |6 L  j$ `% M5 l& H# b+ ?> > employment experience.
& n* \" f) P% Z9 S! I& `$ w> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,- H) h6 k/ r" k- F$ y' g
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
  e- Z/ @( R" h) X, S- }> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
, \* s8 c- u3 c( Z7 d6 @4 d8 H> > directed elsewhere.