HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:# ?$ h# `* D6 f6 ~/ i* b+ l. I1 d
> >                     Effective January 2007
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+ a4 V' T, e, a0 f2 l7 P6 _> > Dress Code
6 E% C; Z: V& O- t, }) E> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed* h' [* a$ E% [5 d* Q0 b
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing+ i+ p# ?+ r- _  C0 P
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume. O% Y) r% m% @/ }1 e% |* V" e
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
; o. J7 L% q; E9 ~  k4 @) B> > need a pay raise.
  z! Y9 H; K- W! S. w0 v# m$ i6 o4 I% }> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage; a. v+ W  P8 a4 T4 X
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
% E- B7 H! v  b3 l> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
6 S2 ^' k" }% ^  s> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
8 L; ^3 _1 q0 u4 \( v) {4 f8 ~> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay5 m' h  O1 ?5 V& x4 z, J
> > raise.
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> > Sick Days
2 b# t' E, T5 }  K! G> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
/ i3 ~- ~$ k7 e. G6 v) ^  |> > proof of sickness.
1 A7 a# X7 o! u/ l> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able! z: A. b* X' m  G
> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days) c3 I' o2 \, v" w7 Q8 C$ ^1 w6 k
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
) P  x5 b2 _0 j> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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0 L* g4 P) \3 d8 _0 P> > Compassionate Leave! K% ~! W) s  ~# s7 n0 c3 V9 D
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
. @( E4 M* y$ a/ M: b> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
. u+ L5 N3 D8 O4 t/ g> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-% W# h0 N: R* }( r4 F7 }9 D
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
$ \9 b5 H( P: A  R2 e0 l- [( l, k- u> > In rare cases where employee involvement is: D& G6 E3 ?0 c/ [
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
- q- N9 M. P) r! S> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
3 N6 }( c0 [" o6 B% m; w> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
1 f: A, N1 k1 h* U) d+ @( v> > hour early.' J1 c) O/ k7 y5 l3 q3 Z. x2 \
> >) \3 Y8 T, ?5 e/ Q5 W3 I
> > Toilet Use7 C, J: B0 U6 q. G0 j( X
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the5 }4 R  l( g0 |, n4 K: w. v9 }
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
: `* n. f  e' d% l2 C9 E% k> > in the cubicles.
! p4 d4 Q% t, W6 w% a2 E$ Q" u> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will# J3 {5 [! k0 W8 t, i2 O
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle6 T2 U  N! D# e& N% S, w; {
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.& p9 _6 K1 {# n) a* _% P
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
4 h5 D7 ~  T, m: X: @0 @: ]> > posted on the company notice board under the6 p8 ^/ w. e& T
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
. c, e# P: ?0 u, W- o2 a6 z9 j> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
9 i3 F% k8 q! @; G* j& @7 F2 X1 n> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
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> >
% q% s8 e. M: H- j) |# g5 M> > Lunch Break
- j  {4 W7 @  {+ f6 E0 K8 N> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they  p9 f+ ~# U6 ]- X3 j- ^
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.& r7 `, F" c4 q; V# A
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to' O5 L0 X. f% k* A% y( v
> > maintain their average figure.
/ A5 l" w1 E" H% ~) Z> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
6 |- G, D/ Z4 Z> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.+ Z8 V: U3 M+ j( F1 U1 i
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
! J9 E" L% f6 J2 d> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
  Q+ i, R& l* @8 J> > employment experience.
9 X3 l$ W. c0 B8 Q& I> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,( V  W. j$ n% i
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,2 x8 p3 `4 c; v$ S, e
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be( y, u3 a/ i6 J( n
> > directed elsewhere.