HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:* W" @0 R1 r* b# y9 W4 a
> >                     Effective January 2007! T1 e& K; ]$ P$ \0 O( S" r" ^' U
> >
' {0 L7 k' {* h9 J+ Q> > Dress Code9 Q3 {. j$ j! K- E+ Q: D
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
1 t1 v( H; R* J( b> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
8 N. B0 ~0 |$ {# _- |- j> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume; @0 X9 q. e/ }7 C' G, M
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
: F- l. \8 t' |) D1 V: n> > need a pay raise.6 x) ~- c2 R7 S% ^: h6 e
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
' D" W( B- o' S; y. {7 U> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer4 V; _- L) z* ~% F  r9 d
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
4 a% Q# `: u: |6 }> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you9 U/ w( ]! s5 g0 N& L
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay. c; ~4 z' \% |  h* y; u# c
> > raise.
. A* q! o! ?5 D! |7 ?) M" |$ l, g4 Q> >
. i6 B6 X& v- A+ F) W! ]% R> > Sick Days6 Q2 |1 f/ Q$ ~9 C3 |
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
2 J3 y7 ~. Q7 h" X> > proof of sickness./ o4 d0 ]7 j/ E; Y
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
  g- l) l: N* V6 t3 b8 A( a$ q> > to come to work.# {9 ]) o: }) c7 X' e  u
> >
/ J! p* g9 n4 K' I- j> > Holiday Days
' B# }$ x# K+ @. e/ g* C> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a/ P( x5 V% C, Z9 w6 l
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave
( K5 v7 h& _2 u) w+ Y> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing! X4 Z6 G- D5 w1 u5 j7 S
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
0 Y/ {, y2 P9 M9 v> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-6 O- _" O" _/ c' S: i7 V9 |7 m" ]3 O
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
/ F2 N' `; F+ a& \; n+ ?> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
7 s2 p  q& ?& \  R" x& v7 P$ ?" A> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
' V! u  f+ Z9 V" ~8 {0 ~> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
1 t  P' G2 L2 A( x9 h! p> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
" e! |- x9 z3 {  B1 z! b> > hour early.
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> > Toilet Use
- [% Y+ ^! s" I3 g/ @" Q8 x+ o+ e, w> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
! ^7 O; K1 s- o3 t6 L4 t> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit9 k7 `3 M( A, T( n; ~* G
> > in the cubicles.
2 o( }4 k2 u  h+ n> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
! a. u4 L7 M! C' e/ D/ {1 Z5 Q7 e> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
" z: c5 ?+ h4 A  Z* J4 x- l> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
. t* C  a( g$ g' l; I/ a> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be4 H' N; K' A4 W/ I; D8 L
> > posted on the company notice board under the5 O) E. o0 O( H2 O6 d. r
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
; r; Z8 _. }7 s. n, H8 h> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
. C9 k8 |, d  z! Y> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
* w4 K+ A( {) O/ V3 z' K0 v! p* G> > policy.8 V- o4 \1 m; f% P6 b  x  E
> >
7 G  ]4 m8 y& J* r> > Lunch Break. ^4 b! }4 h9 Y8 D
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they) e  U0 {- H) R& u! i; m! y) u- S
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
/ n( R' U/ }# K  g! P> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to6 ]1 v& U' V. S& o! V1 f* [  R
> > maintain their average figure.2 K5 }! q5 w) N
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time' k# H& B8 G3 G/ _
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.0 c+ F2 a- X3 V; B8 M# A
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
: j* f: p5 J  Z0 A+ D4 t+ l> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive% `" R; ~( q5 m
> > employment experience.
# l0 j1 r- D; F9 U- o6 s; B> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
8 k; D8 J; D# q& f9 e5 X3 ~> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
9 X( g8 \: W6 x2 H> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be; f8 J5 ?+ Z* U$ I$ W
> > directed elsewhere.