HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:' r5 m1 ~; m9 z5 D
> >                     Effective January 20071 K  o- l. m; S! G& l$ H% O
> >
2 H2 D" U: l$ J> > Dress Code3 E4 C- x5 D- q; h) j
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed5 W* t  [3 H5 b; s$ S) W. y8 t* Y
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing+ v1 o+ J6 N+ J
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
- d) j& c! f7 `3 I' X! W> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not& m: s7 h' C$ T: ^1 U8 H
> > need a pay raise.
% k8 Q' i6 D1 j0 r3 Y# Z) s> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage1 I4 k0 a+ j! Q+ O8 [' R
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer) E+ L  q" h& p, n6 h2 r# o' a
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.$ j$ F9 _+ d( }% \. e
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
* y6 g5 N# M* N/ S: O& P/ {6 t& ~> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
' S9 J3 x1 F# K+ ^. P  Q! x) l> > raise.: i2 x3 g4 j/ G" @5 @$ G
> >( @( R) \6 O' U6 M6 C" a) @! m+ y
> > Sick Days. S8 ]* P2 y" s! K4 p
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
1 [# H0 @6 d8 V2 c0 r! ]9 ~8 w> > proof of sickness.
8 s0 j8 Z: k- d) O3 D& Z, d> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
. h( y  C1 H2 C- E* _0 K6 o> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days
+ P3 I) `$ s# n1 p3 f  |> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a) R" r8 W* z# S  S0 u: c3 |
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave
/ u+ y6 R" l* v6 I" `9 h! E) @> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing: j) d2 a% D! m
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
# }, v# e/ i  C/ D, y> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-
1 l# @& J* k( [" a> > employees attend to the arrangements.* N) x2 R6 ~) B" ~5 _4 D% t
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is9 p# N3 V% c) O- k- X' O2 ?$ t
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the. T6 |' @% e, F: h4 ]5 {$ {
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
* Q$ J) ~* Y5 T> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one6 G" Z. F3 B; m1 r
> > hour early.
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+ g  Y  _+ C, {" M( \1 u% R: b> > Toilet Use5 w) @, |$ N' F! X4 t' z9 @
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the% O' i- ]  i, f$ R' V& x
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit. c2 X0 W3 g8 }
> > in the cubicles.# P4 v: Q5 j- T7 S
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
! Y6 p5 r2 B* i) v3 `5 I# |> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle4 F) h2 O5 i9 Y
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
, Y' \/ f$ Y: G4 b+ f4 e$ ^" Y% W> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
! ^5 O! }& i. P0 ^5 h: K9 _> > posted on the company notice board under the2 [# U& P; V+ @0 u* s1 n1 z/ T
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
) n( M( {$ f4 Y4 x& X6 {. ^> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be0 m; W8 L' y5 f0 B$ l" p5 f
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health" O, X' T+ o6 H: D: ^6 c2 L
> > policy.
" Y: _- M9 ?' D; `> >$ {+ T) n, n7 j/ [; ~4 w) `: z1 h9 u
> > Lunch Break4 {- e1 |' V  v' l) T
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
) W1 q/ I( N2 O> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.4 L& K* i' w$ ]
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
" \1 w6 R; A$ W  Y; ]! X3 r> > maintain their average figure.
9 t7 k6 v, X, n> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time% b2 b  z& L9 I; }, w
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.! T: s) H2 Q+ m3 X. o9 S2 J& P
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are0 z4 \/ t) X, u  l
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive% y! K8 I" r: T9 v8 X3 E* C, C
> > employment experience.
* l# D+ ~/ y* P, x& Y) o3 O3 {> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,' f3 X$ |0 {4 k. X; C: ^' p0 E' j1 N
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
7 f; }7 r& F" O+ C> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be4 A$ }9 [1 K4 \* b/ S' F9 q9 H
> > directed elsewhere.