HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:5 |3 \- P2 k' Q4 j) B9 x! Z% ?
> >                     Effective January 2007
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2 |& D" I" D! d# W% d- `1 |> > Dress Code
3 s, B' h1 Y/ u1 L! u4 m3 c> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed. Q* O. T; ~* P. h, b/ f
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
9 V# _/ U( X( R' Q> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
7 I+ |9 K7 O+ L( h4 Y3 K> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
1 Q; F  p6 j, b> > need a pay raise.- k/ l1 f4 K  {, e. ^
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
, V, q$ k" T! F3 @% L> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer7 W0 D5 w" m5 a8 r
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
) [6 S% _) m+ H$ x! F> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
: ~% A5 ^3 Y" @4 X' i7 _> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
0 H$ E4 k; v5 [> > raise.2 J/ l* k5 [/ }7 K6 |
> >( c- c: k1 H- v& |$ W9 I5 e  P' y
> > Sick Days' Y0 A% o' E6 E: ^; c
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as* V! H/ ?) C. U0 m6 Q6 L& A' r4 b2 e
> > proof of sickness.
2 A$ @; B6 R4 o, T> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
' e; {. ~% H5 w; j> > to come to work.
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> > Holiday Days
: B/ m! W% {8 ?" k> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
, I* T. s* D- y% ]/ `& j5 s> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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/ }  ]5 R2 i+ v+ Z$ `, z> > Compassionate Leave
- j! P( L- l4 N% ~1 o7 d  G8 X+ L> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing! k0 A- z6 O1 F! z
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
9 j  o+ d2 w  Y* D> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-6 d8 I5 u# K4 ]+ V9 t( ]
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
: b( h& p3 h9 W5 Y0 X, {8 F2 r> > In rare cases where employee involvement is- [: m% E7 ~% P) }" }
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the- _% f- ]0 @1 H0 B- Z
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work6 I9 ~  t$ Q, K0 |; U& m
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
! c2 j  N, P9 M> > hour early.
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> > Toilet Use
# H* j0 Z& q% J, H> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
2 D, }1 {0 `+ a3 j: s> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit: q* T4 _/ h; m4 W* s! c
> > in the cubicles.
7 l6 ~6 d4 n  `. n: f. Q' @' \> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
# e2 E9 \) U/ Y9 W, T; G  u9 J> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle1 X( m3 V& r8 [, Q# ~
> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
* B' r/ n( d1 m1 h  Q" o% h> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
# Q3 O+ o8 c0 S3 e; z> > posted on the company notice board under the+ a: {% a7 }& V2 N3 ?
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
$ N0 t3 |5 H9 L* W> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
! q5 `+ c# `- V+ d% L) I> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
* b( k6 o! p3 N) p. b> > policy.5 p3 M7 Z; e* Q3 y
> >
7 [$ c% e. C  \9 _' P/ t8 p> > Lunch Break
: O0 e# U' y* B5 M& r> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they4 F( g5 {6 P/ X3 b
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
* s$ s. ]5 L% i2 P> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
# N4 N. N1 G$ w: ?% w> > maintain their average figure.
, h# q( Y' O3 M3 _. ^> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
( t8 j2 M+ \. J1 L> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
1 W! p% S4 B4 I& |/ @> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
7 t4 y& g2 @! W2 p( d2 e( g> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
. ~) C' {) K" ^! f" E+ Q> > employment experience.# v/ v8 p9 F. g! w* o  V8 \/ a& ~8 h
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
- B2 Z, c9 m4 M4 b' k9 J' k/ i" B> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
! B5 t4 q; R. K+ L1 r> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
& \5 D& e7 U: q7 F5 ^> > directed elsewhere.