HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
+ `' i: p; g+ f+ U2 J& D> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code8 n! h% |+ K6 X: q$ b
> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed; ^" q) X. [0 y
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing. f( C, L; {" ~- E" p3 J
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume( o1 ~. ^7 X, g% l; m
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not" L; s5 E2 }( l" J. p; ?2 J
> > need a pay raise.
% O, F1 _& O" r, y> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage+ c( F% c+ I" X# b/ I+ `3 Y. B
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer2 e/ q+ ~0 Y. h- @( F, T
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
& r% Q, Z4 m: C> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you3 @0 K0 |! B; O0 K
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
  Q! ]1 U5 f3 u+ B> > raise.* z! ]3 X$ [# B. g' B
> >
+ y# T6 T% |5 s> > Sick Days
# r: `! J# o: o! h- A2 ~> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as, O' f7 r  H2 y' `* m' c
> > proof of sickness.
; v/ R2 T% ]! n7 A8 c" T> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able4 Y8 G) {3 H% W  Z
> > to come to work.
# E4 k" `: S9 M8 o  I& G> >
/ L1 Z9 }/ c; |. c5 I( o, S" t1 R- w> > Holiday Days5 n  J. d' b4 h( r4 k  H/ A
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a* D/ A! F1 n* w5 z
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.5 q" m  [$ V" }
> >3 _5 O, o6 `$ q/ m0 _! N% `* }7 `
> > Compassionate Leave
5 r+ W0 |4 n/ O% S( o> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing# y! n& K4 B- `0 @7 v
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-6 k5 A7 Z* n# T
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-1 W; l/ c& c* K) |& k
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
$ w& B. Z- g* ]0 A> > In rare cases where employee involvement is1 W7 s$ B, K' \/ n5 P6 D# y( J
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the7 y& `3 Y! p5 ^0 ?
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
2 o! a; T6 q1 O' g7 h  ~2 H! I> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one" Q8 y5 ]) W+ g7 ]
> > hour early.' g5 j# L8 p; I
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> > Toilet Use
, S1 c: m; _5 D4 g> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
2 r. O6 b4 n! |$ `+ o4 N> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit
1 S+ ^6 r* U& E+ k1 h> > in the cubicles.
/ X8 ?, U9 L1 [> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will+ O, N- h) m; d: _
> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
$ R( M* K- R' E2 M) [> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.' O3 [6 s# j% Y) z
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be3 z& Z3 C5 M" c
> > posted on the company notice board under the
! |# s$ a4 b" X9 [7 r% {1 d2 N: o> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
4 l; x* ]$ K- j8 W9 J> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
( _. J8 V# E& n* e9 e! d# Z> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
. P' Q8 U0 S6 m/ i0 G7 o> > policy.
# H7 I3 ?/ i6 D> >
8 d* y& G/ e6 n& x7 Y0 y/ V- y5 I9 ~> > Lunch Break
8 V4 x0 d, j2 S> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they' P8 }+ i) D, P& K9 g  A% Y
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
1 r4 P& u4 j: j/ |/ Z3 e# ^> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
  j% `2 F8 y  Q1 B% A+ `" P! J> > maintain their average figure.
5 g: r! y( F0 h' y$ ^" `! |> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
; ?! Y0 ?" J& J0 U) A' y- [1 U> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
% _8 i  s8 r+ P7 A- ~> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
) ~) M3 N, {: e7 x5 t6 r> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive/ S, a7 K' Q5 b& C
> > employment experience.
: ~; x& \7 I3 A/ s: M> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
! K2 O& d% F8 `* m7 a* b> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations," P6 u# J3 ]/ F$ }7 O
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
, ~- A0 R. l7 i# N0 o5 |  A- Q% t> > directed elsewhere.