HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:( i6 s7 H/ ]% z  V: h
> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code
( ]9 C% x% Z7 x; t. O> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed5 d! }- v5 f( b" H+ b3 w( w, o
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing- m: N6 f& h! F0 S$ q3 |6 T
> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume$ \) |+ z* R% V% B+ p- ]
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not+ |8 s$ Q, ^9 C
> > need a pay raise.
2 R; T$ c8 @( U9 G3 N1 E$ Y> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage6 x2 {# @8 S/ @3 m
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
- C1 O& F4 `6 J2 {2 `" R& H> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.4 C  q9 @# d! G' l  r6 f+ x
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
! Y% |+ m  A' F8 u& v9 D' X> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
7 p/ N! V5 R9 o, r2 a> > raise.; x& d9 ]5 Z: p
> >
3 _7 C) R# @' {9 Y6 a: A. U8 b7 J> > Sick Days( l+ `! _. ]% a& O
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as- u! S4 K+ m( j
> > proof of sickness.+ ]! O1 b  I" t8 G5 x
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
# V& U0 a* c- U7 s> > to come to work.4 c) K# U* A. M4 I4 y
> >
' G0 K% t, R) y. q5 a; k" V% E> > Holiday Days
1 p# ?  L; O; U, f  `5 r1 {& u> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
  Z7 s7 \# g; S* ?* Q1 R> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.- B9 Y$ A1 y) P! ^3 I) r
> >, \! Z1 f; n0 G# Q5 l/ f; d2 r
> > Compassionate Leave. I( @: t! M( c  S. a
> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
! n" R7 S- J6 P> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
; T( Q2 _  p* _9 C3 E> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-9 d9 v$ Y! @% u4 _- o1 a) c
> > employees attend to the arrangements.+ |$ G. L( I# w3 B
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is  b( ]9 m8 V7 Q4 s: j0 Y7 i
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
/ d5 V6 Q8 f( C( C> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work+ f/ K0 L0 r  F: M
> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one1 i0 ?* F+ ^1 y1 E' v: _9 ]" h) i
> > hour early.) m4 U2 C" Z1 A) u( K5 ]( c3 |# u
> >4 P) g! y- u" `5 ^( y
> > Toilet Use0 n1 p& B. u% T- d8 K
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
* P# s9 ^- K: x2 n3 T* S. F> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit( c" u  g6 [" I# l. D
> > in the cubicles.
8 P$ M: j& w# O7 U7 _> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
/ O. C2 O; P; M  h> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
4 d% H0 Z4 Q4 U> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.* K' k2 O1 F) @, |7 P6 Q% y0 s
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
5 O  }7 q' A# S5 ~+ [/ ~' s! ]) R> > posted on the company notice board under the, o; N0 j5 K2 p: I# s) L
> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
$ ~% ?) M, }3 P, {0 A> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be' e0 M0 T) a9 ]5 y+ L- [
> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
* w$ m( n3 @% Y> > policy.% r8 f; p# H: Y6 N7 q! f) U* `3 j
> >
4 u9 ~$ p7 k5 F> > Lunch Break# z! s: b8 ?5 W3 w  {6 n, p* [& z
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
9 Z4 T$ k* B" F> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.6 G- a7 w! z# g( `3 b! ]2 p
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
+ p! X2 b$ ^, d. O0 ]; b> > maintain their average figure.
7 @) r, Z) B& X( ~0 N' R" W6 G> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
) A- O* C* F; J6 M> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
4 ?9 n. u; C# u3 P4 ~$ Y# n> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are1 u0 c" t( Z- z% y! ~5 Z
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive" m# O# e# n3 O$ E# B& t9 e  j+ H
> > employment experience.5 w. A7 H; E$ Q. O+ M, ^
> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
. R! Q2 B6 @7 E> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
% Z, O1 @: i! t% [5 O0 k2 [> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be$ j/ y& i$ `6 q: _, D9 A- @7 f
> > directed elsewhere.