HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
, d$ H& J8 E" e+ I/ W! k> >                     Effective January 2007
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> > Dress Code
6 C, v) W+ p. B" N1 i> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed4 G* x" j/ F2 Z6 y# m) i% l+ B) s
> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
* Z$ A$ ]6 n  o( e% x8 U> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
) m1 s% }( @9 J8 n" J' j> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
, R% |4 C- b3 z) S> > need a pay raise." \( ^0 e3 c( {  o* \
> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage4 [! [  z9 f3 ~5 r1 v6 j
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
2 Y6 J8 n3 a# X) Q: N> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
* T, C( Y  C1 \1 t. G* l> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
3 n- I7 y* c9 [# x4 o2 E> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay
: v/ n+ l/ w. I$ y0 d, Y  p6 U> > raise.
) D; R; e: ^) ~& I( x" G: x  s> >
( m0 n3 R6 o. s. y# a> > Sick Days# h& b3 K% [- p/ n4 ^/ E
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
" F8 i# p) I* u4 p- m1 {> > proof of sickness.
8 g) o2 ]* M+ w) m5 B- ?> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
% H1 ]4 G; F* T4 \( G: B> > to come to work.: K7 I! W. N: [0 T3 A
> >* R6 w) s" w8 V; \& ?
> > Holiday Days
9 g& G. p' j9 l1 G8 f+ q) ~( ^/ \> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a/ @' y8 V7 V/ Z8 ?
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave
) H( g( {# c0 R7 V7 s6 c6 V> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing2 C7 N+ y( C3 H# p* Y
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-- r7 @5 R  F" Y' Y, R" V; B' k3 X
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-8 L& u9 [" ~+ h5 x7 I
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
% p' p/ X: f; _/ G, {: R> > In rare cases where employee involvement is; }! }, n2 m- X  C& o1 p
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
1 P- J8 {# [5 l* o3 h- R/ X) C' A" F> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
" |/ ^7 ^# Q! T1 d. k) l  Y$ U> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one+ f/ s/ t6 U! g" B  F3 |* A4 v
> > hour early.
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> > Toilet Use
% n' E9 Q1 C8 [> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
5 I) f+ n6 t+ n( b  P, x9 G; B; x> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit% G, q8 J7 r2 y6 i" `: Z
> > in the cubicles.. }7 j6 g: G2 E& p! K4 x
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
6 g3 W& W$ V& `4 C2 u0 e. D# E> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
' X9 v4 f% t; }! |. e> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
# S% e) E  S; D# ~$ H/ {7 f> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be2 r: ?9 k& B) \8 F, ]
> > posted on the company notice board under the
  F2 n6 H' B" C4 b> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
7 T- `1 U5 V  {/ F0 ]> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
, n6 t, S9 e$ [6 i6 E" c> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
0 L4 ~- C! `3 x# q1 s> > policy./ T2 ~5 e; T  {3 [- b; Y
> >
. w# t) V/ j; n4 T2 g4 Z0 O4 s> > Lunch Break
  H2 }5 ~. s% u> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
+ s) `! k8 m8 \/ ~1 s9 V& w> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2 Q( ]2 l6 G" K; X4 I> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to. J" g5 Z+ f" ~6 q) s, V& O: e
> > maintain their average figure.
. A2 ~: f2 W9 b; O> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time, M) W9 O( z1 D+ t# Z$ D
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
# D, v! C( l  a& Q> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are. U, ]" m# s, t3 A
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive; s* r, i+ q& Y+ r! U. e
> > employment experience.
2 t8 r3 v, U& Q/ k> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
4 t, L5 B9 w% W  ?> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations," w& _/ d2 O( w9 a
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be) E+ G9 h+ w( d3 z  m
> > directed elsewhere.