HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:* g. {7 O* g* K! l- t( D
> >                     Effective January 20076 Z" k4 D2 c9 |; v  T
> >
2 G* e3 q! H; v+ o> > Dress Code
0 U. J( a1 V, x3 p9 ?, Y5 M> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
* m$ o7 K7 f  n& g' c> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
1 M# C3 q9 l6 Z4 H* j: I! r> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
) O: B) O1 A0 N8 ^, ^5 ^# P> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not8 w. Z8 v9 q. t. ]
> > need a pay raise.
2 h3 V1 x: ]- g* E2 Y> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage; o$ j: Q4 @% h% y
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer, T% [/ C% u" {. k
> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.0 f( M, u% s% |( T; r" N
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you
  Q2 O3 _& g2 ]% E2 o8 P> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay+ R0 }8 l- D  Z& D5 D0 v3 J( ]1 R
> > raise.. |9 A/ b3 I6 r4 O9 I$ L* y
> >
; c* G, s- \) o6 ^> > Sick Days3 A+ {! ~% M' e
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as* m% b9 \2 U# }
> > proof of sickness.2 L$ \4 _, C8 G* v, Z. [* @
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
$ a5 n3 [/ p4 k( ?3 ], V) O> > to come to work.+ n: l' h* U/ I2 p7 d5 n' _- G, a
> >
) D6 L6 Y: b9 O4 F> > Holiday Days
+ W! R8 V* }9 I' v$ _' F1 {0 y2 R> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
$ b) A6 D6 M: C. C0 o5 |> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
4 h- {  p- E# O5 d2 N> >
" d$ C6 X, B7 ~. X: K- R> > Compassionate Leave
& t4 _+ c) K) E> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
0 k2 L7 L; W* g  |8 b. u> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-
! K4 l7 A% x0 I1 j+ z> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-" r( z/ a3 y& k: C( |
> > employees attend to the arrangements.' Z7 t: b: P: i3 w6 k  v' D
> > In rare cases where employee involvement is$ Y9 h' Q  \) q* g
> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the1 e5 ^. b  B9 {1 y, w2 I. N
> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
* A/ X( r& m5 Y) {> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one! L& @  j% n, l* s
> > hour early.* Z8 l6 k- W% v9 X( e" h; {
> >
1 }% X4 i  i( g2 }+ I. q( \> > Toilet Use* p* l8 a/ A' c; B, e5 n
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the
6 ?& c% \4 D. E* a% L, s$ z> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit! E! y. H. Q6 [8 Z
> > in the cubicles.3 O$ F' L; p- h" F$ I5 M2 I+ p
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
& o9 }* W: r  L> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
* g3 R% r, Q7 d3 b, g$ \> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.1 d! \2 @3 _4 ^" R$ i1 ]2 {
> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be8 J3 f! q( z5 C8 X8 G
> > posted on the company notice board under the
3 i" g7 y& f2 t; X> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
4 I7 w. s* j; B3 o6 r! d, B4 g> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
' H* q2 W; d4 ]) X, f% ?9 d$ P# d> > sanctioned under the company's mental health; }9 S- Y) f6 \3 a% {
> > policy.
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> > Lunch Break% l& T( d* N# ^! i: R; F8 ]
> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they
$ o9 K% k2 u0 i: v# ^> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.* @; Z2 w  `2 c+ l% ~
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to7 _7 O) Q: X0 y0 H% R9 A/ f' g
> > maintain their average figure.! {% F) t( _# h+ S# Q
> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time" j# K0 Y" T$ L
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
5 O+ N' j) ^! _, F# X> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are4 J% T# \* V* {( ~2 J$ y
> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
  }: U( i/ _4 V> > employment experience.
: R" W* |. L  |; B5 P+ j* u> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,) s4 z" f8 K8 f
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
$ o- n9 s4 L# k, N; q# h> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be4 C& X6 O/ b0 _. r
> > directed elsewhere.