HR MEMO

tonylo

To all Employees:
7 e8 A, X, d# |4 j> >                     Effective January 2007
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7 f# t5 h3 J" Y1 l% k: v4 v& A  {> > Dress Code
4 }/ |# Y9 y, N6 O> > 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed
& g' d2 B" r3 v> > according to your salary. If we see you wearing
' C& r6 ^( p5 C0 F8 j> > Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume2 ^- Q7 q( ?& M/ b
> > you are doing well financially and therefore do not
2 X: Q: f9 r4 o) D# f% T: c0 y> > need a pay raise.
5 }' ^0 I6 r* S> > 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage* Y! s- m8 R4 z, b4 E
> > your money better, so that you may buy nicer
7 D- }7 P) H: @( [0 E! K7 b# M> > clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.6 s) d& W1 [, v" [1 M5 X/ r" L
> > 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you7 x# m% L( g) W( y
> > need to be and therefore you do not need a pay% T  d& G7 J6 K6 j
> > raise.& O$ b2 J, S0 C' F2 e
> >: I; y' C& t' b9 @/ m- H- `- R( h
> > Sick Days: n9 r9 k+ u" b2 b7 c6 i
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as
) n$ I- [5 A! J9 B: |> > proof of sickness.2 f1 M& Y1 l2 C3 p) T- F4 V* Y
> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able" v2 E0 [  }9 A3 {1 J
> > to come to work.: n' f" W$ T( x- d* z+ E
> >8 E! `; G& I0 z
> > Holiday Days9 a! U/ ?1 ~/ y8 n
> > Each employee will receive 104 personal days a5 |1 K) ?% d! C: n$ \
> > year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
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> > Compassionate Leave
& o- O! J! n# n. A) |0 h> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing" d9 m, a& d9 }3 k% ]
> > you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-9 h3 {+ r! @! d: p- S+ j) l- m3 [& {
> > workers. Every effort should be made to have non-2 h9 S, M" l" z. H* q# }4 @
> > employees attend to the arrangements.
$ L0 M( K6 ]% I5 J& d0 K> > In rare cases where employee involvement is
" O" V5 t- B) [* f5 i1 r, q+ W> > necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
. {; a' N; ^& ~2 N: @; o' ?( \> > late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
" ^) W! K$ d* Q! u* V> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one( \  w1 t. ]' H* X7 p
> > hour early.
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2 o/ k( ^: L5 }2 t( C7 C" `> > Toilet Use# K5 K- f! R# e# g: e! ?! [
> > 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the3 B: y1 U9 q4 b8 y
> > toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit1 v, k2 |! T1 y5 R- o+ e! T
> > in the cubicles./ B5 ~# p; T9 M) S- U; `* B/ s
> > 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
0 ]0 Z; D; B; u6 J( ~- j! \) C> > sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle
; Z$ w+ B! O" W) _> > door will open, and your picture will be taken.
5 y4 b) t9 x  a5 n' E6 |2 N> > 3. After your second offence, your picture will be
$ K* k' q1 j4 p4 R/ t5 @> > posted on the company notice board under the
- d# O8 G- n/ y> > "Chronic Offenders" category.
; X- [: `2 C+ l> > 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
% ~& E! R' h- x2 [& ~8 K> > sanctioned under the company's mental health
3 z! x. h3 c! U! p  j> > policy.$ Z/ }8 H9 r  Q: l+ ^
> >
/ h- x- U! h1 j- G. h4 z5 m* W> > Lunch Break
2 t  T2 z% X: G" U6 l+ W8 F4 }1 b7 ^> > 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they  n3 N4 C: p8 a) O( L
> > need to eat more so that they can look healthy.% b2 }0 B7 t8 W$ d9 F9 F! Y& {
> > 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
" `. n5 C" _$ s6 ~> > maintain their average figure.
. k: Q% `4 b9 k3 ^  N7 p9 o> > 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time0 ?2 ?9 w( v7 ~; d$ ~0 R5 ?3 T
> > needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
0 Y: q' C" B0 e$ G( y/ z> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are
9 d$ K  ~% \2 `3 ~6 T6 ~1 x5 n" U> > an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive8 ^7 i3 d7 P7 ^
> > employment experience.
: m  W3 h. h" V2 ]  D+ I> > Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,7 l/ J0 k+ j9 }2 [; O! B
> > frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,! Z9 ~4 P0 X* _" G( W. A
> > accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be9 |, x" w; f( M5 m
> > directed elsewhere.